THE LATE, GREAT Lewis Grizzard once wrote "these fingertips have never, and will never, touch one key on any sort of computer."
And somehow, the humourous columnist struggled through with the adage of: "Listen, you imbecile, there is only one way anybody should compose and that is upon a manual typewriter."
Some how, after a mountain high pile of scribblings, I sometimes wish I had listened to Lewis' advice. But I didn't. Instead during the past couple of decades, my knowledge has expanded from computers, which always seemed to malfunction, to advanced technology and now, within the past six months, I have "graduated" to the edge of another universe, called blogging.
As I've said before, the question is no longer "what's your sign?" but has sprouted into "what's your blog sign-on?"
And so in order to show my knowledge in this "art," I'm ready to give a few lessons from How Stuff Works.com.
So what is a blog, Professor?
Well, as the manual says, "a blog is a lot like an online journal or diary. The author can talk about anything and everything. Many blogs are full of interesting links that the author has found. Blogs often contain stories or little snippets of information that are interesting to the author."
However, that doesn't mean I'm about to tell you how I almost landed the "Big One" off Bass River on my blogs.
So, I'll just continue:
"Even though blogs can be completely free-form, many blogs have a focus. For example, if a blogger is interested in technology, the blogger might go to the Computer Electronics Show and post entries of the things he/she sees there. If a blogger is interested in a certain disease, he/she might post every news article and every piece of research he/she finds on the disease."
Say, Corbett, you're typing up all that information from the website, aren't you?
Alright, you caught me, but they are a great boon to a reporter, who's pressed for time and without much effort, he/she can get a new perspective, for as the howstuffworks site said, "there are now millions of them."
For a writer, who now has created at least five blogs, stuffed with columns and other trivia, it's been great, but what would Lewis think?
I think I know the answer, for Grizzard, if he were alive today, he would still be advocating the use of a manual typewriter and even citing the Bible as a reference point.
"Then they ask, "Where in the Bible?" Lewis wrote. "And I say, "The book of Royal," and they say there is no book of Royal in the Bible, and by that time I'm halfway down the street and the conversation is over." Incidentally, Royal was the name of the typewriter brand he always used.
To make another point, the man with the Southern drawl, cited the computer virus as the bane of society with these words: "It's been all over the news that something called Michelangelo, probably an evil spirit, could get into computers and wipe out everything stored in them. Great industries could be brought to their knees. Kingdoms could crumble. Authors could kill themselves in droves."
Then he also offered this bit of wisdom: "Do you think if Margaret Mitchell had done "Gone With the Wind" on a computer, and it had disappeared because of a dog's indiscretion, she would have gone to all the trouble of rewriting GWTW?"
Perhaps, it's fortunate that Lewis Grizzard has passed on to that Great Typewriter Heaven in the sky. After all, he would cringe at a veteran scribbler not only knowing how to blog, but also considering learning about iPods, etc.
CRY ME A RIVER: Although I promised not to haul out The Book of Lists again, a couple of "criers" made me do it. Yes, two hockey players made the List: Todd Bertuzzi and the Great One, no not Sid Crosby, but Wayne Gretzky ... Big Bertuzzi, once with the Vancouver Canucks and now with the Detroit Red Wings, bashed Colorado's Steve Moore with a sucker punch back in March 2004. Two days later, he broke down in tears before the media. As for the Phoenix Coyotes' head coach, who has now lost most of his front-office support staff including GM Mike Barnett, Gretzky has been long remembered for his tearful farewell from Edmonton to Los Angeles in 1988. Who ever said grown men don't cry?
FINALLY: Who said the Ol' Columnist doesn't get any e-mail? Just in the last 24 hours, I've heard from such suspects and their one-liners as Oscar Vegas: Getting thinner can be enjoyable ... Sidney Maxwell: Become fit and happy ... Gerald Baez: Look in the mirror and enjoy yourself ... Betsy Whitt: Obesity is dangerous, stop it. Incidentally, I didn't open any of this "hazardous" material even though I should lose the weight.